i'm gonna make a change, for once in my life

48 hours from now I will be chugging sipping on a cocktail, bay side in San Diego having just just finished a triathlon, one of the most life-changing and inspiring accomplishments of my life.

And that being said, today should be a day for reflections and thanks. And 5 months, maybe not 50 pounds, but certainly 500 miles later I can tell you all this:

You can do whatever you set your mind to. Seriously. Your body will follow....  just ask this girl - who 5 months ago couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without huffing & puffing, let alone run for more than 2 minutes without needing to walk - who now won't take anything less that 4 miles pounding the pavement, and can swim/bike/run half the day with reasonable ease. And with that you will not only transform your body but the way you think about life.

I am a strong person, but I could have never done this without the support and love of my amazing family and friends. I have been truly blessed in life to have an amazing built-in support system in my family - and though my mother might hound me, my father not be the most open about his emotions, and my brothers be unable to financially contribute to my cause, they have given me more then anyone else, have been there for me through thick and thin, sweat and tears-  the real heroes who will never give up on me. 

I have been doubly blessed in life to attract amazing friends - those who live with me and those who live thousands of miles away, those who I see every week and those who I haven't seen for years. Those would give to a cause they've never been effected by when they themselves were in more need of the funds. Those who pour out their love and pride for me in emails/texts/facebook posts without hesitation. And those who ultimately love me for who I am, not who I could be. 

And who could forget my teammates, mentors and coaches? The newest of the new friends who accepted me without prejudice, kicked my butt every Thursday/Saturday to be better, who never let me give up or give in, and who have helped usher me in to this new era of my life. You are all an inspiration, and I owe so much of myself to you.

And last, but certainly not least, I must thank the cosmic irony of life that brought me the most incredible cheerleader, shoulder to cry on, motivator and friend I could have asked for - whose post 4 hour practice tuna melts, back massages, and unconditional love makes all those early mornings and steep hills easier to climb. To him and to all those that have been there for me,  I love you all.

But I think the biggest revelation these past months, and the one I have (secretly?) been searching for the majority of my life - I found me. Not the loud and proud on the outside, but insecure on the inside me. Not the me who didn't think she was ever worthy of love or the win. Not the me that would give up when the going got tough. 

Nope, I found the REAL me - the strong, powerful, kick-ass, beautiful and determined me. The one who won't let any hill, wave, or distance stop her, who won't take no for an answer any more. And as I read my own entries here, I smile at the way that "me" has grown.  It has been a journey, a transformation, and one could even say a re-birth. And you know what? I really like this new me.... I think she can stay.

So all I have left to say is : San Diego, are you ready for this? Cause he I come...bring it on...

Today's Jam: "Man In the Mirror" by Michael Jackson (Bad 1988)

Tri this Emotion: Nervous, scared, excited, ready to conquer the world.

Special Props Go Out To: All the incredible people who have supported me and the LLS physically, spiritually, financially, and emotionally. I loveyou alll.

The Be-All End-All Attitude: If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make that change.

the old me's dead and gone

First off, I'm sorry. Sorry for being gone so long and leaving the digital world hanging on my impending triathlon doom... errr I mean "progress". 

Here are the last 2+ weeks of updates:

After my groundbreaking 5.5 mile Tuesday night run, I was suckered into joining in my first 10K race with about 8 of my teammates. Up on a Sunday at 6am (the second early weekend morning in a row), I was sitting at the start line elaborating on how difficult the next few hours would be when one of teammates turns to me and says, "So, you ever run a whole 6.2 miles without stopping or walking?" WOW. Never suggest or inadvertently challenge me - 'cause I will come out swinging. So I started running... and kept running. For 6.2 miles and 82 straight minutes. And now I'm like a running machine... ok, maybe not... but at least I know I can do it. And the girl who at first couldn't run 2 straight minutes without wheezing, aching, and having to quit will now take nothing less than a 30 minute straight session without breaking for a mini walk.

On a more sour note, the last week has been a real step backwards and kick in the face - literally. After some moderate jaw and mouth pain for several weeks, I woke up in excruciating pain last Monday night. So, like an internet-addicted techno-geek I hoped on the computer at 2:30AM while downing enough Advil for a small African nation and proceeded to scare myself into a frenzy about what it "could" be. I finally drifted off to sleep, woke to make myself a dentist's appointment and lulled back into a med-induced stupor. Long story short, dentist's x-rays showed a massive cavity that had exposed my nerve and created a bigger infection. Now, 7 days, a bout of Penacilin and little exercise later I am feeling like I took two steps back and need a kick start to get back on track.

So after a good 4 mile run tonight, with a lot of time to think, I come back to you blogger family to tell you this: There was an old me. A me who would have let a little setback set them back to zero. Who would have been afraid to get out an run, let alone stand up for herself and do something for herself. Who would have let what others thought of her dominate what she thought of herself. 

Well let me tell you now -- I've been traveling on that road too long... and that old me's dead and gone.

Today's Jam: "Dead and Gone" T.I. featuring Justin Timberlake (Dead and Gone 2009)

Tri this Emotion: Feeling like a brand new person.

Special Props Go Out To: My incredible godmother & aunt Teri and my amazing Grandma "Easy E" Elaine

The Be-All End-All Attitude: Almost there....

on your knees you look up decide you've had enough. you get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off. then you stand.

I have officially survived race conditions. Now did it come with pre-race pouts, 5 year old fits and high-pitched whines of "I don't wanna!"? Of course it did. And did it mean some scrapes, scars, bruises, tears and fears in the process? Hell yeah it did. But am I living proof that big girls can do it? Yes I am.

We had our first and only "mock" triathlon this past weekend. An homage to the Malibu Classic tri, it was slated to be a .5m ocean swim, 18m bike and a 4m run. Wetsuited up and ready we headed down to the beach only to find that riptides would make the .5 miles of (tear-stained hell in the 50 degree waters) swim an impossibility. Let's just say I wasn't sad...So NOT sad in fact that I think I was the loudest person out there to scream "YES! YES! YESSS!!! OH GOD YES!"... So with a 'dip your toes in' start, we ran up the beach, stripping wetsuits ready to attack T1. 

Looking back, I should have taken my g-damn time getting ready for the bike. But instead, at the beratement of several of my "support staff" I rushed through my change and took off on the bike with only one bike glove on, the other in hand. Fast forward 100 yards as I try to secure the 2nd glove mid ride, hit a nasty pot hole and go flying, bike and left ass check sliding a few yards further.......... I just lay there, pain running through my side, in total shock of what had just happened as fellow racers gasped and screamed "Are you okay?"

Every time you get up and get back in the race
One more small piece of you starts to fall into place

I don't know what small piece of me spoke up to snap me out of it - maybe it was that girl who was sick and tired of being called fat, the one with the screw you attitude towards anyone who said she 'couldn't do' something in life, the one that new that giving up and letting go wasn't an option. Regardless of which deep down depth I pulled it from, I inevitably got up, dusted the gravel out of the cuts on my arm and leg, checked my bike to make sure it was still race functional and just kept riding. And riding. And then running. And running. Until 2 hours later when I passed that finish line. Strong, standing and proud. 

(Side note: To top it all off, still on my race high, I got off my arse on Tuesday night and went for a run. But not just ANY run... it was supposed to be an easy 2.5 miler ('cause let's face it, that's the farthest I've gone and the longest I was comfortable with). I don't know what possessed me to try out a new route too, but I grabbed my ipod with it's new list of pump me up songs and hit the road, fully expecting that chest seizing panic attack to set in within the first 5 minutes, rendering me a walking racer. But it didn't come, and i kept going... and when I got to mile 3, I kept going after that. And about mile 4, when everything started to hurt, I decided I needed to make it all the way home before I stopped, so I kept going longer. And then when I finally got to my front door, 70 minutes later, downed a Gatorade to stop from passing out and realized (thank you Google Maps) that I had actually run 5.5 miles I almost had a heart attack. I have NEVER run 5.5 miles in my life. NEVER. Let alone without stopping, walking, or dying in the process. I had never even CONSIDERED it a possibility. EVER. But I did it. Somehow. And it felt damn good. )

Today's Jam: "Stand" by Rascal Flatts (Me and My Gang 2006)

Tri this Emotion: Standing strong, emotionally

Special Props Go Out To: My favorite 3rd baseman ever Kari, the fabulously funny Jen and my long-lost UIFIer Dustin for their great donations to LLS.

The Be-All End-All Attitude: Unstoppable. 

don't give up I'm workin' it out. please don't give in, I won't let you down ...whataya want from me?

I get one step closer and feel like I fall two steps back. But then I guess I should stop and consider that this wasn't a sport built for big girls set on proving to the world that they could "do anything they set their mind to". Still doesn't mean it's easy.

I found out today that they have a special "class" of triathlete for "bigger" people. (Can't you just feel the sarcasm dripping off my air quotes?) They call the men's class Clydesdale and the women's Athena -I love when people try to make the word big sound more PC & sexy- and the whole system is based on being over a certain minimum weight in order to be classified to compete in this sub-section. Wanna take a guess what the minimums are?!? According to USAT Competitive Rules "the minimum weight standard for this category is 200 pounds for men, 150 pounds for women." 

I just want it to be noted that I give the USAT classifications a resounding WHAT THE #$&*?!?!?! You must be OVER 150 pounds to be classified as "strange" or "different" for a triathlete? So what do you get when you're well over that?!?  Your own designated EMT to run beside you to make sure your fat ass doesn't die? And what's that make me? Was there a ginormo Greek God to liken myself to to make it sound stronger and sexier instead of just saying "triathlete fat"?

It's me, I'm a freak (yeah)
but thanks for lovin' me
Cause you're doing it perfectly 

That's right Mr. Lambert, I feel you... hey San Diego Triathlon, welcome to the freak show, nice to meet you. But what the USAT didn't take into account in their stupid classifications is one head-strong, kick-ass, multi-talented, never-say-die chiquiquita that is going to WOMP UP on several of her petite, less-than-Athena class competition (where's my medal for THAT???). And why? Because I can & because I have the best damn support system in the world - amazing coaches, teammates, family & friends - who have stuck by me the whole way & who don't give one flipping iota whether I "look" like a triathlete, or whether my tri shorts/top show my heavily accentuated curves or if my JLo booty jiggles a little when I run my 6.2 miles.... cause these amazing people love me anyways, perfectly, all 150+++ pounds of me. Which at the end of the day has taught me to kindda love myself...

Good job girl, it's about damn time.

Today's Jam: "Whataya Want From Me" by Adam Lambert (For Your Entertainment 2009)

Tri this Emotion: WTF USA Triathlon?!?!

Special Props Go Out To: The incredible ATL Alyssa & Rizzle, my pint-sized twin Marin, the gorgeous Amber Saddlebags Silverman, and JGC Mastermind Sharjeel for their generous donations to support the LLS & bring me to within $100 of my goal!

The Be-All End-All Attitude: And so what if I'm the biggest girl out there? I'M OUT THERE.

don't stop believin'... hold on to that feelin'

It simply AMAZES me that we are less than 50 days out. I remember starting this journey with 150+ days, no money in the donation pot and what seemed like a million miles to go. And just because I've come so far doesn't mean I still don't have my moments - whether that's catching some nasty bugs swimming in the lakes, taking the occasional bruise to the shin/arm/thigh because of a misstep in the pool/on the bike, or completely losing it in the middle of the Pacific Ocean during an open water swim. 

Yes, that's right... that was ME crying into my goggles, sputtering salt water while the Venice Beach waves pounded my swim-capped head and rocked my wetsuit-ed body last Saturday. And why the sudden flood of emotion, you ask? Maybe it's because for one brief moment in time, as I saw everyone (even the supposedly "slow" swimmers) passing me, I was reminded of that fat kid deep inside. The one that got picked on, knocked around and shot down. And it hurt. More then any of my miraculously in-shape and camera-ready tri buddies will EVER understand.

But suddenly I realized WHERE I was - In the middle of the g#d-d*%! 50 degree ocean, swimming miles before heading out for more miles of running, raising money to help FIGHT CANCER, and ultimately a happier & healthier person then I had been in a LONG time (regardless of what the stupid scale and my muscle/fat ratio may say). So I sucked back my tears, threw my head and my hands back in the water, reminded myself of just how far I had come and finished it out.

So, yes, I know it's a cheesy song. It's been overplayed in everything from dingy bars, to Dodger's games to Glee and back again, and sometimes it seems to have lost a little bit of the soul and determination that Journey brought to it almost 30 years ago. But the crazy part is, it's still a pretty good reminder on life. And no matter how many times you've heard it, it still feels good to belt it out at the top of your lungs... whether you're on a dance floor at prom or in the middle of the Pacific.

Today's Jam: "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey (Escape 1981)

Tri this Emotion: Totally tubular

Special Props Go Out To: My favorite SD Papa Dugan, "You Got Raymied AGAIN" Chavez, the Sensational Sel Hatch. my AOPi loves Teresa & Sheri and all the fabulous crazy 80s peeps that attended the Do-Over Prom on 5/7... thanks for one AMAZING night!

The Be-All End-All Attitude: Some will win and some will lose... but at least I'm playing the game.

oh, you think you've got it, but got it just don't get it til' there's nothing at all

Throughout this journey there have been several very interesting (and often VERY strange) observations I have made about training for a triathlon. In the spirit of full disclosure, I feel I should let you all in on a few of these little tidbits of knowledge here today:

- Anything that looks easy when someone 100 pounds smaller does it will inevitably make you want to hurl and cry for your mother when you try it yourself.

- Wetsuits don't really make anything easier (except for floating, but I have a JLo arse and ginormo hoo-has for that). If anything it just gives you permission to pee on yourself for the first time in decades. 

- Every time you get back from an early morning ride and strip down in front of the mirror, the entire front half of your body is covered bright red and looks like a combination of hypothermia & small pox... (but don't worry it's not contagious).

- I don't care who you are, biking uphill is NOT fun. And if you think it is, you've obviously fallen off your bike and knocked your head a few too many times. But then triathletes are pretty strange like that.

- You will inevitably get the strangest songs, slogans, jingles and monologues stuck in your head while training... I think it's a result of spending too much time with yourself - which is hard, 'cause I honestly don't think I'm that interesting. So here's to Justin Beiber's Baby, Meatloaf's I Would Do Anything For Love, The Little Mermaid's Under the Sea, Cinderella's Little Dress Makers & the theme songs to Bob the Builder & Darkwing Duck. 

- 8am is too early to be anywhere on a Saturday morning. Especially somewhere an hour+ away from home and my warm bed... Don't listen to the lies, and never drink on a Friday night. 

- Losing weight is not easy. There is no "sweet spot" or "magic switch"... it sucks every single minute and 10x more in the early hours or the cold. 

- You coaches/mentors may think you're being "supportive" during those Thursday night swims, but really when it's 45 degrees outside and only slightly warmer in the pool, looking at you standing there in your parkas, scarves and Uggs only makes us want to drag you down into the freezing wet hell with us. 

- Practice is always better when followed by either food or alcohol. No, wait...  both. 

- Always go camping with your tri training team, you never know the things you never wanted to know about your teammates until you do.

Today's Jam: "Hey Ya!" by Outkast (Speakerboxxx/The Love Below 2003)

Tri this Emotion: We're  cooler then being cool... we're ICED COLD.

Special Props Go Out To: CORT Furniture Rental (need new stuff for your diggs? shop here, these guys are GREAT!) and the always loving Mamsita & Papa Bear

The Be-All End-All Attitude: Just keep climbing, because whatever goes up must come down.

now I may not be the worst or the best but you gotta respect my honesty

Over 50 miles clocked last week alone. 3 miles swam, 37 miles biked,13 miles ran.

Now that could either: a) Make me feel like an absolute bum for the last few months as I've only been averaging half that weekly, or b) Make me feel bad @$$, invincible and hot like fire since I've accomplished something that few people will ever have the drive, determination nor stamina to do.

I think we'll go with option "b". I'm bad @$$. But honestly, let's talk about reaching goals that I couldn't have ever imagined when I started this crazy journey. And though it's been harder then I'd ever thought, it's been even more rewarding so far. 

And now that you've met my ego, here's a message from our more sentimental & sappy sponsors (if they can manage to fit in the same room):  I get up every morning and thank god for my friends and family who stand by me and keeping telling me I can do it... for my coaches and mentors who push me harder, harder then I think I can go, who make me ride with the "intermediate" group even if I have interspersed moments of thinking 'this is utter insanity' or 'I'm going to die' as my legs are barely churning up some horrendously steep hill... and for my teammates who stick by me and run, swim, bike, commiserate and plan success with me. You are all my rocks, and I couldn't do it without you.

 

Today's Jam: "Break Your Heart (Remix)" by Taio Cruz with Ludacris (Break Your Heart, 2010)

Tri this Emotion: Like a big bad wolf I'm born to be bad an bad to the bone.

Special Props Go Out To: The beautiful Kelly Molden,  JGC Mistress of Ceremonies Shikha and the sweetest of sweethearts Anonymous for their incredible donations.

The Be-All End-All Attitude: I may be at the back of the pack, but hey, at least I'm in a pack.